If You Know Someone Who Loves Chaos & Drama, Read this...

By Ages 5-7, “Brain Wiring” is largely in place.  


Frank Trieber, from the Medical College of Georgia, found that if you come from a family that’s chaotic, unstable, not cohesive, harboring grudges, very early on, the early brain becomes “hardwired” to deal with fear.  

These children become adults who feel empty or bored, if not on edge.

The Kindest Act...Saying "No"...

One of life's important skill? Learning to say no. 

Do you find yourself living a life of obligations, exhausted from trying to please others?

When we define "being nice" as "being all things to all people," we overcommit, living the priorities of others. Getting comfortable with the discomfort, we don't consciously realize how we are diminishing the quality of our life.

"By trying to be everywhere at once, I am nowhere. By trying to be everyone to many, I am no one."

The solution?
Redefine "nice" and "polite." Practice honest, principle-centered dialogue.

Saying "no" is the kindest act you can do for yourself and others. Authenticity means saying what you mean and meaning what you say as it aligns to the greater principles of integrity and compassion. While it's easier said than done, you will be amazed at the level of respect you gain by establishing new, consistent boundaries based on truthfulness and integrity.

On Courage

"Do not fear death so much, but rather an inadequate life."

Courage is vital for survival and requires acts of bravery in some form. A great act of courage is to step up and repair fragile, important relationships.

Too often people take pride in holding grudges, expending wasteful energy on further polarizing even the most significant relationships.

Be the brave one to re-open dialogue by initiating and keeping the conversations going.
Have the conversation that you are afraid of having. Chances are it is long overdo and it will be easier than you think.

Getting to What's Important...

A young concert violinist was asked the secret of her success. She replied, “Planned neglect.” Then she explained, “When I was in school, there were so many things that demanded my time. When I went to my room after breakfast, I made my bed, straightened the room, dusted the floor, addressed others' issues, and did whatever else came to my attention. Then I hurried to my violin practice. I found I wasn’t progressing as I thought I should, so I deliberately neglected everything else. That program of planned neglect, I believe, accounts for my success.”

The challenge: Neglecting unimportant things to get to what's important.

The Thin Veil of Vulnerability

Vulnerability: open to moral attack, criticism, temptation

Our Guard-- we let it down when we feel safe and the conversations are easy; we raise it high when we feel threatened.

It's life's greatest defensive tool to guard us against unwanted predators who may bully, belittle, condescend, or patronize us.

It's also our greatest offensive tool to build trust necessary for strong, positive relationships in the context of a safe, open space.

Self-confidence is the great leveler that enables us to gain judgment on what is the right level of vulnerability. Judgment improves only when we stop being afraid to invite others in to get to know us. It’s also confidence--not egocentrism—that will reduce an unhealthy need to snare relationships with neediness and sympathy.

I Tell The Truth Except.....

When I pretend a love I do not feel.
When I present myself more than I am.
When I laugh when I need to cry.
When I pretend to be helpless and the truth is that I'm manipulative.
When I stay 'blind' to affect my awareness.
When I pretend to 'know.'
When I pretend 'not to know.'
When I say I'm angry and the truth is...I'm afraid.
When I spend unnecessary time with people I don't like.
When I present myself with having 'values' I do not feel or hold.
When I'm kind to everyone except those I profess to love.
When I fake beliefs to win acceptance.
When I fake modesty or arrogance.
When I allow my silence to imply agreement with convictions I do not share.

Science Supports Talknology Tips

Your child's cumulative experience up to age three has a huge impact on later achievement. Start early and continue 5 habits of success.

1. SPEAK TO AND READ TO YOUR CHILD EARLY AND OFTEN A study revealed that children in professional homes were exposed to an average of more than 1500 more spoken words per hour than children from low socioeconomic homes. Over a year, that equals to 8 million words more and by age four, it will be 32 million more words, with a huge gap in the compexity of the words.  
2. SPEAK IN POSITIVE TONES of ENCOURAGEMENT Up to age 4, the average child from a professional family receives 560,000 more instances of encouraging feedback than discouraging feedback; a working class child receives merely 100,000 more encouragements than discouragements; a low socioeconomic child receives 125,000 more discouragements than encouragements.  
3. SET HIGH EXPECTATIONS Children develop only as the environment demands development.  
4. HELP THEM EMBRACE FAILURE In the process of attaining high standards, setbacks must be seen as learning. This gives each child "built-in resiliance," protecting them from a defeating sense of failure.(Stop saving them from failure.)  
5. ENCOURAGE SELF-RELIANCE Help them understand they are the directors of their own life through a series of choices. *Surveys from The Genius in All of Us

What's Annoying?

LOUD TALKERS!

Do they realize they are loud?

Two reasons they may not:
1.  Low Self-Awareness - they don't know their loud.
2.  High Arrogance - they don't care their loud.

The Conversation Is The Relationship...

Author David Whyte suggested that in the typical marriage, the young man, newly married, is often frustrated that this person with whom he intends to enjoy the rest of his life seemingly needs to talk, yet again, about the same thing they talked about last weekend.  And it often has something to do with their relationship.  He wonders, "Why are we talking about this again?  I thought we settled this. Couldn't we just have one huge conversation about our relationship and then coast for a year or two?"


Apparently not, because here she did it again.  Eventually, if he is paying attention, it occurs to him that this ongoing, robust conversation he has been having with his wife is not about the relationship.  The conversation is the relationship.


[Fierce Conversations]

...Always Connect One's Voice and One's Touch

[One of the best descriptions of authentic, well-intentioned communications, influence, and ultimately, leadership comes from this true story written by Max Dupree in Leadership Jazz]

Esther, my wife, and I have a granddaugher named Zoe, the Greek word for "life." She was born prematurely and weighed one pound, seven ounces, so small that my wedding ring could slide up her arm to her shoulder. The neonatologist who first examined her told us that she had a 5 to 10 percent chance of living three days. When Esther and I scrubbed up for our first visit and saw Zoe in her isolette in the neonatal intensive care unit, she had two IVs in her navel, one in her foot, a monitor on each side of her chest, and a respirator tube and a feeding tube in her mouth.

To complicate matters, Zoe's biological father had jumped ship the month before Zoe was born. Realizing this, a wise and caring nurse named Ruth gave me my instructions. "For the next several months, at least, you're the surrogate father. I want you to come to the hospital every day to visit Zoe, and when you come, I would like you to rub her body and her legs and arms with the tip of her finger. While you're caressing her, you should tell her over and over how much you love her, because she has to be able to connect your voice to your touch."


Ruth was doing exactly the right thing on Zoe's behalf (and, of course, on my behalf as well), and without realizing it she was giving me one of the best possible descriptions of leader is the need always to connect one's voice and one's touch.

On Courage

"Do not fear death so much, but rather an inadequate life." 

Courage is vital for survival and requires acts of bravery in some form. A great act of courage is to step up and repair fragile, important relationships.

Too often people take pride in holding grudges, expending wasteful energy on further polarizing even the most significant relationships.

Be the brave one to re-open conversations by initiating and keeping the dialogue open. Have the conversation that you are afraid of having. Chances are it is long overdo and it will be easier than you think.

Talking To God

"So far today, God, I've done alright.  I haven't been grumpy, nasty or self-centered.  I'm really glad about that.  But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and then I'm going to need a lot of help. Thank-you."

"Bossiness" doesn't work...

Positional Power–influence based in your job description-is the weakest form of influence.  You can use your “title” to force people to do things, but there is no respect or loyalty, only building hostilities.

Relationship Power-influence based in who you are and what you represent-is the strongest form of influence.  People will listen out of loyalty and devotion.

Common sense?
Did you ever notice that common sense isn't commonly practiced.

We live in a society very different than twenty years ago. The continual barrage of information has left people smarter, skeptical, and angry.  It's harder to influence anyone to do anything because our society is filled with messages affirming entitlement and a "we don't HAVE to" attitude.

Building relationships--building trust one conversation at a time--is the only strategy for building sustaining influence necessary for a productive environment, whether talking about a classroom or a workgroup. 

What Is Your Intention?

Your intention behind your actions is an important place to begin to understand your level of authenticity. Integrity based communication not only matches your spoken words to your intended message, but it also matches your intentions to moral principles of integrity, empathy, fairness, compassion.

Truthfulness should be filtered through the skill of making choices on "how you choose to say it."  Trivial matters that have no benefits to your "honesty"(benefits:  i.e. making the situation better in some way), it's what's left unsaid that is the integrity-based choice.

Through years of training and consulting, I've come across many individuals who proudly announce, "I have no trouble being honest!  I tell it like it is!"  I instantly know they are the aggressors who take pride in bullying others and who have no more self-awareness than someone who never owned a mirror.  Their effectiveness is minimal and they take a sadistic pride in their "directness" and veiled "honesty."

Telling your elderly aunt that her hair is thinning...or to mention to your uncle that he has bad breath...serves no purpose to the greater good outcome of relationship building in communications.


Truthfulness without the skill of tact and diplomacy leads to brashness and rudeness. It takes developed wisdom to discern situations and realize that it's most important to keep your own integrity in check by keeping the integrity of the other person a priority.  

Words Can Inspire. A beautiful true story...

"His body may have been horribly burned, but his strength of character was whole."


This the true story of Peter, an elementary student who suffered burns on 90% of his body.

Peter's burns were so severe that his mouth had to be propped open so it wouldn't seal shut in the healing process.  His fingers were separated by splints so his hands wouldn't become webbed.  His eyes were kept open so they wouldn't seal shut.  Even after one year of rehabilitation and excruciating pain, Peter's spirit was intact.  What was the first thing he did when he could walk?  He helped console all the other patients by telling them that they would be all right, that they would get through it.  His body may have been horribly burned, but his sense of self was whole.

Eventually, Peter had to begin junior high at a new school.  Imagine going to a new school at that age and being horribly disfigured.  Imagine what the other kids would say and how they would react.  On his first day in the cafeteria everyone avoided him.  They looked at him with horror and then whispered to one another.  Kids got up and moved from tables that were close to him.  One student, Laura, had the courage to approach him and to introduce herself.  As they talked and ate, she looked into Peter's eyes and sensed the person beneath the scarred surface.  Reading her thoughts, Peter, in his deep, raspy smoke-damaged voice, said, "Everybody is avoiding me because they don't know me yet.  When they come to know me, they'll sit here with me.  When they get to know the real me inside, they'll be my friends."

Somehow his life had prepared him to walk the path with dignity.

Self- Improvement 101

You may recall the news photos of Karl Wallenda's final high-wire performance as he attempted to cross two tall buildings.  As he made his way on the wire, using his famous balancing pole, an intense wind came up.  Everyone watching immediately understood Wallenda's dilemma.  As the wind blew him off the wire, he clutched onto his balancing pole. All he needed to do was to let go of the pole and grab the wire.  But, because the pole had saved his balance so many times before, he held onto it even as he fell to the ground.  He held onto what he knew best even when it no longer served him.  --Leadership from the Inside Out

"He held onto what he knew best even when it no longer served him."  We all do this--hold onto the habits we know best, even when they don't serve us any longer.

The Opportunities of Conflict....

Spoken Words.

They can be the greatest gift or inflict the harshest wound.

All relationships are dynamic--active, vital.   Believing that conflict is bad causes truth to go underground and be replaced with a shallow, surface "corporate nod" that masks your authenticity, violates your integrity, and leaves you with low self-esteem.


The victim cycle begins.  At this stage, blame consumes your personality.  "What THEY did (or said) causes me to be this way."


When we no longer say what we mean, mean what we say, we spiral down to depths of eventual hostility and anger, internalizing these emotions and spending energy justifying them.  Blame becomes the basis of all our communication.  And simply being proud of "speaking what's on your mind" isn't integirty-based communication.  The skill of diplomacy and tact MATTER when you are confronting difficult issues.

Passive-Aggressive:  The "passive" part lacks the courage to speak up; the "aggressive" part internalizes the anger, consumes your personality, and causes you to bite irrationally at the wrong times.  


The Good News is that conflict creates great opportunities to strengthen trust, build loyalty, and form unbreakable bonds for a lifetime of quality relationships that will serve to sustain us rather than diminish us.

Absolute freedom is having an unencumbered conscience, free of distress caused by anger and broken relationships.  We want to stop replaying the video in our mind that wishes for words we would have said or words we shouldn't have said.


1.  Re-open conversations.
2.  Listen for understanding.  Just listen.
3.  Acknowledge your mistakes--all of them.
4.  Address how you will change.
5.  Ask for future conversations


Thd conversation IS the relationship.


[Cool Caveat]  Even if you don't restore the relationship, your truth and honesty feeds your integirty.  Your forthrightness in "doing the right thing" will sustain you and build your own confidence.

Imposter Phenomenon...

“I’m so stupid!”  “I’m not popular!”  “I’m a failure!”

Do you put yourself down to get compliments?   This happens a lot in academics.  


Stop!  


You sound stupid and your peer group gets very weary of finding compliments to offset your self-putdowns. 

Technically, it's called The Imposter Phenomenon.  
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome

This is a psychological syndrome where one denies accomplishments and internalizes failure.  It's also a bad communication habit used to get attention and a by-product is a diminished core of self-confidence. 

Common Sense We Commonly Forget...

The Greatest Need?
Acceptance

The Greatest Fear?
Rejection

Everyone?
Prefers to talk about things that are important to them personally.

People?
Hear and incorporate only what they understand.

People?
Like, trust, and believe those who like them.

Everybody?
Wears a social mask.

We?
Must learn to look beyond to see the person.

We?
Must make our mask T-H-I-N

On Listening...

When I ask you to listen and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I have asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.

Listen!

All I asked was that you listen" not talk or do---just hear me...I can do for myself. I am not helpless.

When you do something for me what I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and feeling of inadequacy.

But when you accept as fact that I do feel what I fell, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice."

--Ralph Boughton, MD

"I'm anxious to understand what you want me to understand."

One story explains the art of listen--and the value it brings to others.  The story comes from Stephen Covey's book, The 8th Habit.

I will never forget being invited by a very prestigious, high-level executive to give my analysis and recommendations regarding the selection of a new university president.  It was one of the most profound communication experiences I've ever had.  He left his office to come into the outer office, where I was awaiting my appointment.  After greeting me, he graciously ushered me into his office and had me sit right next to him, in front of his desk, where we could talk eye-to-eye without any physcial structure between us.  He basically said, "Stephen, thank-you so much for coming in.  I'm anxious to understand whatever you want me to understand."


I had prepared for this visit for a considerable period of time and had developed an outline of my presentation.  I gave him a copy of the outline and covered it slowly, point by point.  Except for a few clarifying questions, he never interrupted.  He listened so intently and completely that when my thirty-minute presentation was over, I felt completely understand.  He made absolutely no comment --neither agreeing, disagreeing, or committing.  But at the end he simply stood up, looked me in the eye, and, as he shook my hand, expressed how much he appreciated and admired me.  That was it.  I was profoundly moved by his openness, humility, graciousness and deep listening, and overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude and loyalty.  Because I felt so completely understood and knew and my input had been genuinely listened to and respected, I was fully prepared to support whatever decision was made. 

Influence Mojo

Everyone exits in their own world. If you want to build relationships, go into THEIR world and talk to them about it.  

Many times in your daily activities you can easily find people who only talk about their own world.  They will tell you what they're doing, what they think, what they know, what they have, what they think you need, what you should know, what you should be doing, and what you should have. 

You no doubt have had days when you feel as if the whole world lives in a selfish existence of "ME-ism."  While you know it would be delightful if someone would sincerely walk into your world--even briefly--to ask you about you, you don't expect it.  If and when it happens, it's magical because you feel significant in this world of individiual silos.

While we can't make others care, we can influence others.  The more emotional equity you have and are willing to give to others by listening to them and showing an interest in their lives--their thoughts, their values, their interests, you will be the more powerful, influential communicator.  

The Law of Indirect Effect  

If you want someone to listen to you, you must first listen to them.  

If you want someone to care about you, you must first care about them.  

If you want someone to be influenced by you, you must first be willing to be influenced by them.

The secret of influence:  Make the other person feel good about themselves in your presence.

c

  

"Connecting Worlds"

Is Obama Really a Good Talker?

"A great orator!"  That seems to be the daily buzz, even from those who don't like Obama's policies. But taking a closer look, what's his real grade?


The good news?
Obama has a beautiful booming voice, capable of raising the dead when necessary. It resonates with a smooth, mellow, low pitch that gives instant credibility to his words. He is skilled at using his voice effectively to make strong, emphatic points. He articulates words clearly or pronounces his words colloquially, whichever serves him best in the moment.


The bad news?
Through his increased visibility, it becomes clear that his speeches are either being read from a teleprompter or he is struggling to find his own voice--with sentences that sound like running jabs followed by awkward pauses. Some may think this is for effect, while others see it as a distracting pause that serves to allow his mind to catch up to what he has just said and ready for what he will say next.


#1: Overuse of qualifiers
"Make no mistake."
"Let me be clear."
Article on "Let Me Be Clear"



#2: Reading his material

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=of61E1fesPU



#3: Overuse of "I"
"I think, I know, I realize, I will..."
Articles on Obama Using "I"



#4: Lack of Preparation (mispronunciation of words rob credibility)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlKIfzoC8D0

Obama's Oratory Skill:  B-