The Opportunities of Conflict....

Spoken Words.

They can be the greatest gift or inflict the harshest wound.

All relationships are dynamic--active, vital.   Believing that conflict is bad causes truth to go underground and be replaced with a shallow, surface "corporate nod" that masks your authenticity, violates your integrity, and leaves you with low self-esteem.


The victim cycle begins.  At this stage, blame consumes your personality.  "What THEY did (or said) causes me to be this way."


When we no longer say what we mean, mean what we say, we spiral down to depths of eventual hostility and anger, internalizing these emotions and spending energy justifying them.  Blame becomes the basis of all our communication.  And simply being proud of "speaking what's on your mind" isn't integirty-based communication.  The skill of diplomacy and tact MATTER when you are confronting difficult issues.

Passive-Aggressive:  The "passive" part lacks the courage to speak up; the "aggressive" part internalizes the anger, consumes your personality, and causes you to bite irrationally at the wrong times.  


The Good News is that conflict creates great opportunities to strengthen trust, build loyalty, and form unbreakable bonds for a lifetime of quality relationships that will serve to sustain us rather than diminish us.

Absolute freedom is having an unencumbered conscience, free of distress caused by anger and broken relationships.  We want to stop replaying the video in our mind that wishes for words we would have said or words we shouldn't have said.


1.  Re-open conversations.
2.  Listen for understanding.  Just listen.
3.  Acknowledge your mistakes--all of them.
4.  Address how you will change.
5.  Ask for future conversations


Thd conversation IS the relationship.


[Cool Caveat]  Even if you don't restore the relationship, your truth and honesty feeds your integirty.  Your forthrightness in "doing the right thing" will sustain you and build your own confidence.

Imposter Phenomenon...

“I’m so stupid!”  “I’m not popular!”  “I’m a failure!”

Do you put yourself down to get compliments?   This happens a lot in academics.  


Stop!  


You sound stupid and your peer group gets very weary of finding compliments to offset your self-putdowns. 

Technically, it's called The Imposter Phenomenon.  
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome

This is a psychological syndrome where one denies accomplishments and internalizes failure.  It's also a bad communication habit used to get attention and a by-product is a diminished core of self-confidence. 

Common Sense We Commonly Forget...

The Greatest Need?
Acceptance

The Greatest Fear?
Rejection

Everyone?
Prefers to talk about things that are important to them personally.

People?
Hear and incorporate only what they understand.

People?
Like, trust, and believe those who like them.

Everybody?
Wears a social mask.

We?
Must learn to look beyond to see the person.

We?
Must make our mask T-H-I-N

On Listening...

When I ask you to listen and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I have asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.

Listen!

All I asked was that you listen" not talk or do---just hear me...I can do for myself. I am not helpless.

When you do something for me what I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and feeling of inadequacy.

But when you accept as fact that I do feel what I fell, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.

And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice."

--Ralph Boughton, MD

"I'm anxious to understand what you want me to understand."

One story explains the art of listen--and the value it brings to others.  The story comes from Stephen Covey's book, The 8th Habit.

I will never forget being invited by a very prestigious, high-level executive to give my analysis and recommendations regarding the selection of a new university president.  It was one of the most profound communication experiences I've ever had.  He left his office to come into the outer office, where I was awaiting my appointment.  After greeting me, he graciously ushered me into his office and had me sit right next to him, in front of his desk, where we could talk eye-to-eye without any physcial structure between us.  He basically said, "Stephen, thank-you so much for coming in.  I'm anxious to understand whatever you want me to understand."


I had prepared for this visit for a considerable period of time and had developed an outline of my presentation.  I gave him a copy of the outline and covered it slowly, point by point.  Except for a few clarifying questions, he never interrupted.  He listened so intently and completely that when my thirty-minute presentation was over, I felt completely understand.  He made absolutely no comment --neither agreeing, disagreeing, or committing.  But at the end he simply stood up, looked me in the eye, and, as he shook my hand, expressed how much he appreciated and admired me.  That was it.  I was profoundly moved by his openness, humility, graciousness and deep listening, and overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude and loyalty.  Because I felt so completely understood and knew and my input had been genuinely listened to and respected, I was fully prepared to support whatever decision was made. 

Influence Mojo

Everyone exits in their own world. If you want to build relationships, go into THEIR world and talk to them about it.  

Many times in your daily activities you can easily find people who only talk about their own world.  They will tell you what they're doing, what they think, what they know, what they have, what they think you need, what you should know, what you should be doing, and what you should have. 

You no doubt have had days when you feel as if the whole world lives in a selfish existence of "ME-ism."  While you know it would be delightful if someone would sincerely walk into your world--even briefly--to ask you about you, you don't expect it.  If and when it happens, it's magical because you feel significant in this world of individiual silos.

While we can't make others care, we can influence others.  The more emotional equity you have and are willing to give to others by listening to them and showing an interest in their lives--their thoughts, their values, their interests, you will be the more powerful, influential communicator.  

The Law of Indirect Effect  

If you want someone to listen to you, you must first listen to them.  

If you want someone to care about you, you must first care about them.  

If you want someone to be influenced by you, you must first be willing to be influenced by them.

The secret of influence:  Make the other person feel good about themselves in your presence.

c

  

"Connecting Worlds"

Is Obama Really a Good Talker?

"A great orator!"  That seems to be the daily buzz, even from those who don't like Obama's policies. But taking a closer look, what's his real grade?


The good news?
Obama has a beautiful booming voice, capable of raising the dead when necessary. It resonates with a smooth, mellow, low pitch that gives instant credibility to his words. He is skilled at using his voice effectively to make strong, emphatic points. He articulates words clearly or pronounces his words colloquially, whichever serves him best in the moment.


The bad news?
Through his increased visibility, it becomes clear that his speeches are either being read from a teleprompter or he is struggling to find his own voice--with sentences that sound like running jabs followed by awkward pauses. Some may think this is for effect, while others see it as a distracting pause that serves to allow his mind to catch up to what he has just said and ready for what he will say next.


#1: Overuse of qualifiers
"Make no mistake."
"Let me be clear."
Article on "Let Me Be Clear"



#2: Reading his material

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=of61E1fesPU



#3: Overuse of "I"
"I think, I know, I realize, I will..."
Articles on Obama Using "I"



#4: Lack of Preparation (mispronunciation of words rob credibility)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZlKIfzoC8D0

Obama's Oratory Skill:  B-